he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
