she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
