Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
