So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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