My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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