tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
