it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
