I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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