Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize