I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have post one night stand depression
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