Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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