and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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