I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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