Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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