Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
