I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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