I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
