Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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