Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
