I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
