I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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