I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
