I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
