I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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