It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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