I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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