I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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