so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
