TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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