my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we made out on top of his cat.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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