I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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