I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sext me about skeletons
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
