I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
