Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize