just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
