She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
