do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
