So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
