Sry I called you an 8
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
