I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
