Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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