hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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