I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
