...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
