Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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