i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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