So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
