my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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