I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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