She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
