last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
