sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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