if you like me you must not know who I am
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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