I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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