A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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