Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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